The AFCP Times: Monthly Edition

[Correspondents Abdul Moiz and Abhilasha Dafria]

As promised and told, fellow goners, tonight we take sports journalism to an entire new level. The monthly edition gives a round-up of all you needed to know of AFCPL this month. We have got it all. From the rumours which circulated to the inter team fights that never took centre stage. Heres your monthly compilation of
what happened, what is happening, what was to happen, and what never happened but could have happened.
Complicated? Well the seasons just started!

The Transfer Round up:
The transfer season finished on the 31st of August and there you go with the round up:

Vacas goon to Raiders.
By “I am as young as your father Luke!”
In a startling piece of business by player and chief executive “Moiz” of the club “Goonraiders”, the chief executive has done the impossible by convincing Vacas Areph, the banker, to join his team. Left Centre-back Vacas Areph, for all his reputation as a hater of this league, obliged to the brilliant offer on the table and signed a lucrative 5 million Zimbabwean dollar long-term contract. It has to be seen whether the widely known Dictator can dictate Goonraiders to success.

Vacas Areph or The Joker or The Dictator was never seen showing the slightest interest in the game before this move. He has come under heavy criticism from the players and managers of the AFCPL but for reasons which he could do nothing about. Having a reputation of a legend in the eyes of some while some loathing him to the degree of insaneness his move was expected to become a big talk. His age remains a concern but in his interview to The Gun, he said
“I am only 25 right now.There are players who are beyond their coaching years and are playing so why cant I?”
In a reply to the question to how will he react to the abuses the players throw at him, he said
“It wasn’t I who had cut the taxes from their bank accounts if they still find me to blame,I have two words for them *mouths those unspeakable words*”
Vacas Areph is already a legend albeit a good one or a bad one but his signing means one thing is going to happen for sure.No,no don’t get me wrong,it wont make the game much interesting,it will increase the average age of the players playing.
It is also rumoured that fellow team-mates had tiffs with the player during his arrival party as he has threatened to ban all those who used any other language that English in the team.
It remains to be seen whether his buttons and off field antics will dominate or would his skills take centre stage for once.

From The Arsenalists to Evolutionary Gunners
By “I will sleep only after the transfer window is closed”

Forward Fazal signed for Evolutionary Gunners on a free transfer. Fazal garnered a lot of interest but not before going through a period with interviews having the same few words “No one bid for me?”.A lot of the teams did not show any interest in him saying that its only the transfer window which wakes him up but Abdul Rehman determined to get someone, to get the supposedly non-existent “One man team” tag out of the way offered him a lucrative deal.Goonraiders did ask to join him too and even that “free of cost” [8)] but he signed for the former telling Goonraiders “Next transfer season-surely”.
Fazal has been a note worthy name but his reputation as a moody player would not help EG. With already a high tempered captain and a munna in the team, it seems EG signed him to complete the set. The building reputation of Fazal now being a mercenary wont help them either.
This signing can have a negative impact on the team but if the diminutive captain can keep him fit for the season, then he might just turn out to be the buy of the year. For now he resembles someone which Cesc Pistols idolize.

Old is Gold:Felipe
By “Never Fight with Mr.Polite”
In one of the most scintillating piece of business, Felipe Hassan, a noteworthy name in the list of “polite people” signed a deal worth 100 million yens to astonish many viewers and players alike. The master mind behind the deal appears to be Ankur Dalal, the captain and manager of Arsenalists, as he was ecstatic while announcing the signing of the young Englishman who would replace the Forward who left for EG earler this season. However the idea of signing Felipe might have been given by the “Teddy Sheringham” of the team since Ankur’s ecstatic statement showed signs of ‘pleasant surprise’ as well. Its noteworthy that Felipe has a brilliant reputation as a gentle man and one who takes defeat on the chin making him one of the most craved and loved people around. When tribalhoofball caught up with him he replied:
“I am very happy to join The Arsenalists. They are a team which everyone respects and I love people who are respected as those who give respect are the ones who get respected. I will give my 100% for the team on every matchday and would try to steer them to the fair play award. Its a pleasure to be a part of such a brilliant league.”
When asked about the prospect of joining the team whose average age is 50,he simply said
“Old is gold”
On being asked why he joined the league when he had so many other commitments he said
“Try and fail, but never fail to try.”
The ‘politely’ correct English striker is known for his ‘love one love all’ interviews that end up with journalists trying to persuade him to marry their daughter.

Mitul: a Wengaboy, Gautham: a pirate
By “Fraands corner”
In a transfer which both teams would be happy with, striker Mitul signed for the everstruggling Wengaboys while Gautham in a player exchange deal went to Pirates of the Emirates. Both players come with some pedigree but with Mitul yet to show the potential he has and Gautham yet to live upto his name, this transfer has a lot of ifs and maybes.
Mitul who never enjoyed life at the Pirates sighed relief on joining Wengaboys and was happy to have fraandship with interim club captain Saumeet. It was rumoured that Mitul, who was much know for the controversies surrounding his chain of 5star hotels had a tradition of treating his teammates at his hotel and was often offended when Pirate captain AdDy refused to have anything on account of his mask. In an emotional outburst Mitil said “Such arrogance kills the team-building. Its just a coffee break… not like I was asking for a lip-lock!”
Gautham however was happy enough to sing the “ho-ho” song of the Pirates and refused to comment on his captain.

Kunal signs for Wengaboys
By “Capiche”
Striker Kunal after heavy insisting by a nerd captain accepted a contract whose worth remained undisclosed. Kunal, who had come in as a relative stranger has proved to have good knowledge of the game and a lot of the teams will struggle to cope up with his predatory instinct. A very good piece of business by Wengaboys but like their comparative brothers, they look good on paper and bad on the standings.


Paper Talk:

Gunrunners are on the verge of signing Ohio striker Amey Kelkar(Bore.com)
Gunrunners are trying their best efforts to sign the mega-striker. They have tabled a contract and look set to wrap up the deal within 15 hours. Do you think Amey will sign for Gunrunners?

Wengaboys are showing great interest in Amey Kelkar(The Daily Phail)
Wengaboys are looking to end their spending spree by hijacking the Gunrunners deal for Amey Kelkar.The Ohio striker seems the top on the shortlist of manger and defensive midfielder Saumeet as he looks to complete the set of incredible debaters. But with Amey in squad, there are chances of less football on ground and more group-discussions. Do you think Wengaboys should sign Amey?

Till the next transfer season,I am hibernating:Fazal(The Gun)
As expected, forward Fazal has told EG that he is injured till January and hence will not be available for selection.It seems that Fazal is not happy at the way EG have treated his injury.Is Fazal trying to join another team by faking an injury?

Amey Kelkar rejects the contract of Gunrunners despite the chief executive’s pleas(Sigh Sports)
Sigh sports resources understand that Amey Kelkar has rejected the offer of Gunrunners despite repeated calls by the chief executive and striker Abhilasha Dafria. Gunrunners were looking up to Amey to fulfill their striking needs but it looks now that all hopes depend on left winger Sairam now. Has Amey done the right thing by breaking Abhilasha’s heart?

Cesc-pistols captain sets his priorities(The Retardian):
The Retardian claimed that Cesc Pistol Captain and RCB Asjad Saleemi was seen roaring in the dressing room after a Manchester City player scored a goal.This incident has certainly not gone down well with Pistolites who have claimed a written apology from the captain. Do you think Asjad should listen to his team-mates or his innervoice that just wouldn’t let go?

Arsenalists in search of another oldie(The Spoiler)
Arsenalists it seems are trying to get the upper hand in terms of average age by trying to find someone of the age of 110 years old.In recent times,CP and Goonraiders have tried to match Arsenalists in this competition.Is Akshay not enough?

Breaking news:
Dafria slams Amey Kelkar
In a startling revelation, Abhilasha Dafria of Gunrunners told reporters in a press conference on Thursday evening that Amey Kelkar was not as polite and gentle man as he seemed to be. She was furious with him after Amey did not respond to the plea of Gunrunners to join them. She also told reporters that Sumanth Anchan of The Arsenalists had a similar view about the Ohio striker. She said that Amey was non-responsive through out the talks and seemed to ignore her.
Dafria has brewed some controversy as many people have a very good impression of Amey and some have already regarded Dafria’s interview to be extremely unprofessional.
The matter got uglier when Abhilasha Dafria, who served a week’s ban on her unethical lashing out, moved court. However, Amey Kelkar did not respond to the court’s perpetual notices, leading to Abhilasha, the defense lawyer, the prosecutor and the judge to unanimously file a bigger case against him.

No prize for a Surprise
Well this is just for the ones who like to get surprised. Eveytime we would come up with something a little different from the regular news and other rumours and the round ups, albeit analysis, post match reviews or a good healthy interview. For this edition we have………..

Tamie Red’taking a’nap Picks
The Predictor League season is just around the corner - and once again The AFCP Times will guide you through all of the twists and turns.
Will Oursenal P.C hold onto their title when the trend of last season says otherwise or will there be another name on the Predictor League trophy in December? Can Wengaboys gatecrash the top four after heavy spending or will we see another surprise name in contention for the Champions League spots?
Who will be scrapping it out at the bottom? Which summer transfer deals will provide the best value and which signings will we be laughing at by the end of the campaign?
We asked the Tamie to gaze into his crystal ball and give us his useless view on what we can expect in 2009/10

CHAMPIONS –The Arsenalists
They have had an excellent pre season and have made two good buys.They have bought experience with Akshay and politeness with Felipe and I wonder how they bought the two things which money can not buy. They are a good team with a good captain. I see a lot of teams being intimidated by the appearance of the two afore mentioned players on the field. It would be tough but they just might edge it.

CHAMPIONS LEAGUE SPOTS –Conflagooners,Goonraiders,Pirates of the Emirates
You might call me a fool but that’s what I am. Goonraiders though struggling have a good mix of youth and experience and have also made a brilliant signing of Vacas Areph. They have been a work in progress and should shine if things go according to play while Cornflakes are a good team with a very very devoted player in Nabil. They might be short on players but quality has no exchange. PoE like always would finish second.They are a good team with a completely pirated captain but somehow their life long supply of luck runs out right at the end.

FIFTH – Wengaboys
They would be there or there about come end of the season and I think that the new signings would make an impact.They have a good team with intelligent players but then again I feel they would just miss out on the CL spots,one reason might be a last match food poisoning.

SURPRISE PACKAGE – EG and GunRunners
They are the dark horses for me this season. You can never predict how they would perform but it seems that they have got hold of a good team and would certainly be a force to reckon with. It remains to be seen whether EG and GR would surprise us by being in the bottom 2 or the top 4.

GOING DOWN- Oursenal,Cesc Pistols
Oursenal have to go down this season.I see them following the trend and doing a Gog while Cesc Pistols have good players who can say a lot but can not perform.I see the castles crumble.

BEST BUY-Vacas Areph
Don’t get me wrong here,it was a difficult choice but be assured that he can solve the banker problems of Goonraiders plus his pedigree here can make a lot of players piss in their pants.He has to be the purchase of the season.

BONKERS BUY-Fazal
AR what were you thinking while buying this mercenary,I mean he looks to change clubs every transfer window though I might be horribly wrong.It might be Fazal showing me this come end of the year, but I doubt that he would be wearing a different club t-shirt till then. I sometimes think to myself, if not the silverware, maybe Fazal will be the only player who’ll have all the team jerseys to flaunt by the time he retires.


HOW HAS YOUR PRE-SEASON GONE?
I have been asking every one whether I am as bad as people tell me so and the replies have been positive.I tried kicking footballs too,but came up with a swollen mouth after the football hit a lady in an Arsenal shirt!